Preserving Immaculate Reception: Defending the cultural sanctity of TeenNBC from the scourge of advertising.Several weeks ago, a commercial for Campbell's Chunky Soup came on. Normally, since I'm a communist, I would have flipped -- but a familiar face caught my eye. The Campbell's Chunky Soup campaign features various popular football players whose mothers are so concerned with their sons' health that they interrupt them during awkward moments to give them their Chunky. In this particular ad, Philadelphia Eagle's Quarterback Donovan McNabb was filming a commercial for shaving cream when his Mom ruined everything by crashing through the studio wall to give Donovan his Chunky. Initially, I didn't care. But then, I heard her voice. And her voice -- the voice that has taught America so many treasured lessons about integrity and values and love and friendship and respect -- I heard her voice teaching America that Campbell's Chunky Beef With Country Vegetables now has more beef. It was Miss Noble. Technically, it was Marcella Lowery -- but to millions of Americans, Marcella Lowery is only Miss Noble, principal and matriarch of Manhattan High, star of NBC's hit Saturday morning teen sitcom City Guys. Yes, it was Miss Noble, whose gentle compassion and loving guidance has served as America's moral compass for the last five years. Miss Noble, who has taught a generation of teens the difference between right and wrong. Miss Noble, the embodiment of all that is good and pure, the quintessence of all we strive to be. Hawking Campbell's Chunky Soup.
Miss Noble, as a Television Matriarch, is part of the venerated group of men and women who have shaped American morality in half-hour segments since the 50's. It is our Miss Nobles, along with our Andy Griffiths and our Tony Micellis and our Mr. and Mrs. Keatons, who have taught generations of Americans to solve problems with a laugh and a hug as the music swells and the credits roll. Our cultural values are rooted in their wisdom. In a society littered with corrupt politicians, fallen sports figures and disgraced business leaders, Television's Matriarchs and Patriarchs have steadfastly endured as our only source of uncorrupted wisdom and compassion. The teachings of Television's Matriarchs and Patriarchs are essential to our collective moral and spiritual health. To commodify them as tools of advertising undermines the value of their teachings -- and ultimately undermines the very moral code of our society. The bastardization of Miss Noble is indicative of the threat commercialism poses to our way of life. Our shared cultural conscience must be protected from capitalist larceny -- before it's too late. Fortunately, T.V. has taught us what to do. Every sitcom has had at least one episode in which the Matriarch or Patriarch strays from dogma, only to be brought back to proper canon as the culmination of a zany plot. On behalf of Miss Noble, and for the sake of our very society, there must be a harebrained scheme.
The City Guys must persuade Marcella Lowery to give up commercial acting. But they can't just talk to her...she'd never buy it. No, they must convince her -- City Guys-style. We'll get the gang to infiltrate Ms. Lowery's next commercial shoot disguised as make-up artists. Not the whole gang, of course -- that wouldn't be realistic. Just Chris, Jamal and El-Train, since Dawn, Cassidy and Al are always too busy trying to convince some boy band to perform at some benefit they're organizing. As they apply Ms. Lowery's make-up (she won't know its them because she'll have cucumbers over her eyes), they'll gossip slyly about her chosen career path, and the magnitude of her role as Miss Noble, and speculate on how nice it would be to own an antique shop instead of being an actress. {Recall the series finale of City Guys. As the gang was preparing for graduation, Miss Noble revealed that she was retiring to follow her dream of owning an antiques shop in the Hamptons. Remember? The gang learned this when they spied Miss Noble buying "Columbian goods" from a shady vendor in a dark alley and accused her of running an international drug ring, but it turned out she was only buying furniture for her new store. We all learned a valuable lesson about jumping to conclusions.} Due to their conversation during the make-up session (after which her make-up will look horrible but the director will inexplicably love it), Ms. Lowery will realize that they're right, and that she's too important to become a shill. She'll declare that this will be her last commercial. But during filming, she'll be brilliant. The director will heap her with praise, and offer her a starring role in his new show. The guys will exchange a look, and before she can answer, they'll rush to her, saying "Make-up! Make-up!" and cause such a ruckus that the director will change his mind about her and storm off. Ms. Lowery will realize who the make-up artists really are, and she'll be upset. "Lionel!" she'll shout, refusing as always to use El-Train's nickname. "Jamal! Chris!" "We're sorry, Miss Noble," El-Train will say. Then Chris and Jamal will explain to her why they can't let her sell out. At this point, Ms. Lowery will realize that Miss Noble wasn't just a role -- she'll realize that to all of America, she is and always will be Miss Noble. With the understanding of her divine significance, Ms. Lowery/Miss Noble will resist the temptation of Hollywood and walk off the set once and for all. The lesson will be learned. The teachings of Miss Noble will remain sacred and true. Meanwhile, Dawn, Cassidy and Al will be wrapping up their problems as well.
Dave Prager . 4/02. Back to my writing index. |